Self-Talk for Self-Compassion: The Three-Way Test

Each morning I do a guided meditation using the app by Deepak Chopra. This morning’s daily meditation focused on the “right word,” which helped me think about choosing words that reflect my highest or best self. The meditation leader, Roger Gabriel, reminded the listeners of something that many of us might have heard before. When we say something, do the words we choose pass the three criteria for positivity and compassion:

(1) Is it true?  (2) Is it kind?  And (3) Is it necessary? Do the words we use with others elevate us, or do they bring us down to a level contrary to growth, caring, harmony, or love? Does what we say reflect our highest and best self, or does it not?

Too many times I catch myself saying things that do not reflect one or more of these criteria. I have become much more disciplined of late about the words that come out of my mouth. But it takes focus, effort, and work to remember to choose what I say to others in a way that reflects my highest self and meets all three of the criteria.

When listening to other people, I often hear justifications for saying things that are unkind: “But it’s true!” “I’m only telling it like it is!” Truth is a good thing, and criticism of another may be entirely true and even justified. But even if something is true, it may still be said unkindly, or it may be unnecessary to remark upon that fact to others. When people gossip, it most certainly fails the 3-way test. Gossiping is almost always unkind, always unnecessary, and serves no purpose other than to elevate the participants to a superior position in their own minds. 

I reflected on this after the daily inspiration, and a thought came to me. If I work really hard to say only things about other people that are true, kind, and necessary, do I follow that principle for myself? Or do I engage in unkind criticism, negative talk, and even say untrue things about myself in my own head?

I have posted previously my thoughts on how our sense of self-worth suffers when we cannot forgive ourselves enough to move past a mistake that we have made.  This 3-way test fits right in. Our self-talk and inner self-reflection must meet the 3-way test just as surely and as strictly as our words to others must meet it. When we make a mistake, mess something up, or fail to meet an important goal, is the voice inside our heads telling us the truth about the situation, or about ourselves? Is our inner voice being kind in how it reflects upon the situation? Is self-criticism necessary? It may be, but if it is, is what needs to be learned communicated with truthfulness, with kindness, and with compassion? 

Remember that introspection is a powerful tool. Our inner voice can be a trustworthy source of wisdom. Listening to it provides great benefits for understanding our thoughts, feelings, and actions. But be sure that your inner voice is meeting the 3 criteria for positive and caring communication. Make sure that it is telling you the truth, that it is speaking to you with kindness, and that it is telling you something because it is necessary for becoming stronger, better, and wiser. Our self-talk can always be positive and productive because there is something good to be learned and an opportunity to grow. Be as truthful, kind, and compassionate to yourself with your words as you should be to others.