Your Highest Self

Many people have written about our “best self,” our “favorite self,” and/or our “higher or highest self.” I personally like the term highest self, because I think it incorporates the other two descriptors of best and favorite. 

Whether you choose best, favorite, higher or highest, we are describing who we are when we are being the best version of ourselves. We refer to those times when we trust and respect ourselves…when we can see ourselves with pride…when we look in the mirror and genuinely like what we see…when all pretense, defense and the clutter of everyday coping are stripped away, and we know ourselves to be worthy of our own self-respect.   

As I said, this notion of “highest or best self” isn’t at all new, but I would like to put a subtle spin on it. Usually, we describe our highest self with adjectives.  For example:

·       I am brave

·       I am kind

·       I am smart

·       I am compassionate

·       I am talented…and so on.

 What I would like you to do is change the adjectives that describe your best or ideal self to nouns. For example, instead of saying “I am brave or courageous,” try “I am courage.” Instead of “I am loving,” try “I am love.” Just to get you started, listed below are some nouns that you might use to describe your highest self. Choose from this list, and /or generate your own list that embodies your highest self. Examples:

Courage            Strength

Compassion      Kindness

Love                     Intelligence

Forgiveness        Stability

Goodness          Light

Changing adjectives to nouns might seem like just an exercise in linguistics or vocabulary. But using nouns actually has a specific purpose. Adjectives describe a quality that is attached to your sense of self. Nouns, on the other hand, move you to a place where you actually embody the quality that you have chosen. We have all heard people describe another person as “she is kindness itself.”   Nouns dissolve the distance between “you” and the quality you describe, making that quality the essence of your being as opposed to an outer trait or description of you. 

Try it! Generate your own list, and repeat to yourself in the quiet times that you are the qualities you have chosen to reflect your highest self.  Combine a couple if it works for you.  I use seven pairs of nouns as daily affirmations.

·      I am strength and courage.

·      I am kindness and compassion.

·      I am love.

·      I am generosity.

·      I am forgiveness and tolerance.

See if thinking of your highest self in nouns instead of adjectives creates a more clear and powerful sense of what you know is your best you, your highest self.

Self-Talk for Self-Compassion: The Three-Way Test

Each morning I do a guided meditation using the app by Deepak Chopra. This morning’s daily meditation focused on the “right word,” which helped me think about choosing words that reflect my highest or best self. The meditation leader, Roger Gabriel, reminded the listeners of something that many of us might have heard before. When we say something, do the words we choose pass the three criteria for positivity and compassion:

(1) Is it true?  (2) Is it kind?  And (3) Is it necessary? Do the words we use with others elevate us, or do they bring us down to a level contrary to growth, caring, harmony, or love? Does what we say reflect our highest and best self, or does it not?

Too many times I catch myself saying things that do not reflect one or more of these criteria. I have become much more disciplined of late about the words that come out of my mouth. But it takes focus, effort, and work to remember to choose what I say to others in a way that reflects my highest self and meets all three of the criteria.

When listening to other people, I often hear justifications for saying things that are unkind: “But it’s true!” “I’m only telling it like it is!” Truth is a good thing, and criticism of another may be entirely true and even justified. But even if something is true, it may still be said unkindly, or it may be unnecessary to remark upon that fact to others. When people gossip, it most certainly fails the 3-way test. Gossiping is almost always unkind, always unnecessary, and serves no purpose other than to elevate the participants to a superior position in their own minds. 

I reflected on this after the daily inspiration, and a thought came to me. If I work really hard to say only things about other people that are true, kind, and necessary, do I follow that principle for myself? Or do I engage in unkind criticism, negative talk, and even say untrue things about myself in my own head?

I have posted previously my thoughts on how our sense of self-worth suffers when we cannot forgive ourselves enough to move past a mistake that we have made.  This 3-way test fits right in. Our self-talk and inner self-reflection must meet the 3-way test just as surely and as strictly as our words to others must meet it. When we make a mistake, mess something up, or fail to meet an important goal, is the voice inside our heads telling us the truth about the situation, or about ourselves? Is our inner voice being kind in how it reflects upon the situation? Is self-criticism necessary? It may be, but if it is, is what needs to be learned communicated with truthfulness, with kindness, and with compassion? 

Remember that introspection is a powerful tool. Our inner voice can be a trustworthy source of wisdom. Listening to it provides great benefits for understanding our thoughts, feelings, and actions. But be sure that your inner voice is meeting the 3 criteria for positive and caring communication. Make sure that it is telling you the truth, that it is speaking to you with kindness, and that it is telling you something because it is necessary for becoming stronger, better, and wiser. Our self-talk can always be positive and productive because there is something good to be learned and an opportunity to grow. Be as truthful, kind, and compassionate to yourself with your words as you should be to others.

Self-Esteem and Pride

We often confuse a sense of pride with our sense of self-worth or self-esteem.  In fact, the two are related but different, and can operate completely independently of each other.  We exhort others to “stand up tall and be proud of yourself,” thinking that this advice will provide a boost to self-esteem.

Self-esteem is an enduring belief in the value of ourselves, and it is earned (not given) over time by following certain principles and practices.  It is a rational conviction based in reality that we are fundamentally capable and worthy – capable of dealing appropriately with life and the challenges and opportunities its presents to us, and worthy of our own self-respect.  On the other hand, pride is the emotion that we feel when we evaluate a specific achievement or action.  “Self-esteem is confidence in one’s capacity to achieve values.  Pride is the consequence of having achieved some particular value.  Self-esteem is ‘I can.’  Pride is ‘I have.’” (Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Self-Esteem). 

If we fail at something despite our very best efforts, our pride may suffer, but our sense of self-worth should remain unimpaired.  In our lives we are all bound to fail to achieve a goal, to fall short of a desired outcome, to live with an unrealized dream or aspiration.  When we do fail, we will not experience the same sense of pride that we would if we had succeeded.  But self-esteem should remain intact and unaffected.  In fact, it is our sense of self-esteem that allows us to weather the storm of failure, disappointment, battered pride, and loss.

If we do not understand this distinction between pride and real self-esteem, we will be tempted to invest our sense of self-worth in our accomplishments.  It is all too common to invest self-esteem in external things such as position, wealth, awards, wins, recognition, and other external factors over which we may or may not have control.

I made that mistake as a teenage athlete, trying for a place on the Olympic swim team.  A few tenths of a second separated those who made it and those who did not.  A world ranking was not good enough.  My goal was going to the Olympics.  It took years to sort out that, while I gave it my very best effort and still failed to achieve my goal, my lack of an Olympic medal must have no effect on my own evaluation of myself as a capable and worthy person.  Through the years, I came to know it consciously and truly accept it, but to this day, it is painful for me to watch the summer Olympics, thinking of that epic failure. 

When I grew older and pitched all of my swimming ribbons, medals, and trophies, I kept only one – the medal that determined that I was NOT going to the Olympics.  I am looking at it as I write these thoughts – a triangular, simple bronze medal encased in plexiglass, my favorite paperweight.  It happily reminds me of the lesson I was meant to learn – that pride will surely fluctuate with achievement, but my self-worth and self-respect are safe.  

Self Confidence vs. Self Esteem: A Clarification

Self-esteem is often confused with self-confidence.  In fact, they are very separate psychological constructs.   When I refer to self-esteem, I refer to a legitimate, realistic positive regard we have for ourselves.  I believe that true esteem, or valuing, of self must be based upon a realistic assessment that that stems from trying hard to be the very best “you” that you can be. 

Because self-esteem is the most fundamental psychological need that every person has, many people believe that self-esteem should be unconditional – that we have an unconditional right to respect, value, and esteem ourselves.  In fact, this is not true.  To truly feel good about yourself, you must be trying to meet certain conditions upon which self-esteem is based.  In short, you don’t get repeatedly do unwise, harmful, irresponsible, unkind, or unethical things and continue to think well of yourself.   

Self-esteem is most often confused with self-confidence.  Socially adept, outgoing children and adults who display great confidence in their social activities or relationships are often believed to have a high degree of self-esteem.  People who enjoy taking risks and being adventurous often appear to have good self-esteem because they are so confident.  But in both examples, this is not necessarily true.  Shy, introverted people can have a high degree of real self-worth, even though they do not display self-confidence in social situations.  Adventuresome, energetic high-achievers usually have great self-confidence, but may not truly value or respect themselves.  

Self-confidence does and should vary depending on the situation in which you find yourself.  I think about my horseback riding – jumping fences in particular.   I am very confident jumping fences that are 2 feet tall.  I have done that many times, my horse is familiar with that height, my horse can easily jump at the 2-foot level.  If, however, I was asked for the very first time to jump a three-foot fence, my self-confidence level would naturally and justifiably be lowered.  But my sense of self-respect should not be diminished in any way whatsoever.  I may not feel confident, I may not succeed, I may in fact fall off, my horse might refuse the fence, and my self-confidence may be lower than it was before I tried it – but my self-esteem remains intact.  I need to build self-confidence in this activity, but my self-esteem is not at stake.

When we think of the challenges in our lives, our self-confidence may be a bit of a roller-coaster ride.  Sometimes it may be high, sometimes it may be low.  But true self-esteem – your respect and regard for yourself -- should not change with circumstances, successes, or failures, as long as you are meeting the core conditions for genuine self-respect. 

The Skill of Introspection

Has it ever occurred to you that YOU are the only person in the whole wide world with whom you will spend every single minute of your life?  We think a lot about our relationships with others, but how much time do we think about our relationships with ourselves?  To have a healthy self-relationship, one of the most important things that we need is the skill of introspection.

Introspection is extremely important for people of all ages.  Put very simply, it is the ability to look within yourself to recognize, identify, or understand your conscious thoughts and feelings.  Introspection provides access to your private inner world that is not filtered through any other source.  I knew a second-grader who defined it this way: “introspection means looking inside yourself for answers, but not to spelling words.” 

 The skill of introspection is what helps us to know and understand ourselves, aids in forming our identity, facilitates decision-making, and answers to questions that no one can answer but ourselves.  I would find it hard to imagine a healthy human psyche and a life well-lived without, at least to some extent, the personal understanding that results from self-reflection.

 Some people seem to be naturally introspective.  They have a gift for self-examination and a natural ability to understand their own thoughts, feelings, perceptions, judgments, and even the functioning of their own bodies.  For others it seems to be a bit more difficult to master, but it is a skill that everyone can learn.  I have worked with both children and adults who have a hard time even naming their emotions at any given time.  Being able to label our emotions is a good first step to understanding them, and understanding them is the next step toward knowing what do with or about them.

 People who are good at introspection make it a regular and conscious part of their daily lives – they touch base with themselves throughout the course of a day.  They tune in to their thoughts and emotions when presented with a problem or situation that needs addressing.  The talented introspectors can tell you at any given moment what they are feeling, what they are thinking, or how their bodies are reacting in certain situations.  But this is usually just a first step – they are able to utilize this self-understanding as part of their processing of information, their decision-making, and their emotional regulation.

 If you would like to be better at introspection, start with some simple questions to ask yourself.  Introspection comes into play when you examine your answers.  For example:

1.     Why is my favorite color blue?

2.     What am I good at?  Do I really enjoy doing it, or not?

3.     What is my favorite way to relax?  What do I feel when I am relaxing?

Another set of questions that probe a little deeper are these.

4.     What makes me the most angry with another person?  Why? 

5.     What brings me the greatest sense of peace (or security, or happiness, etc.)? 

6.     Why do I feel afraid of […]?

7.     What do I do that makes me think that I am a good person?

8.     Do I believe that I am a competent or capable person?

9.     Name 5 of my most important values.

Finally, keep practicing understanding your own thoughts and feelings when a situation occurs that provokes a reaction on your part.  Tune in to your thoughts and feelings when you can find a moment for introspection. 

10. What is my gut telling me about this situation?

11.  I feel extremely anxious; what is the real source of my anxiety?

12.  I really don’t want to do this; why is my resistance so strong?

13.  Why do I feel like crying, when there is really nothing to cry about?

14.  This seems wrong; why do I think it is?

15.  I am second-guessing a decision; I need to put my finger on why I am doubting myself.  Should I change my course of direction?

It is critical for every human to understand her or himself.   Without self-reflection,

there can be no self-understanding, and without self-understanding, there is little hope of genuine self-valuing.  Real self-esteem depends upon our ability to see ourselves as both capable and worthy.  We need to understand our thoughts and feelings, our attitudes and behaviors, our values and beliefs, and our abilities and aspirations as an important part of truly liking, trusting, and respecting ourselves.

The ABC’s of Handling Mistakes

Nobody likes making mistakes. We beat ourselves up, we are embarrassed or ashamed, and all too often our mistakes and failures have a profound impact on our sense of self-worth.

It needn’t be so! Mistakes are one of the best ways we have of learning.  Seeing our mistakes as opportunities to grow better, stronger, and wiser can actually help us maintain a healthy sense of self-esteem, as long as we follow the following four steps. 

Step One:  ADMIT your mistake. 

It can be really, really hard to admit a mistake, particularly if a mistake has caused harm to something or someone else. But the inability to admit a mistake is a telltale sign of low self-esteem. We all know people who simply cannot admit that they have made a mistake: they cover it up, hide it, blame it on someone else or blame it on circumstances.  But here is an interesting thing about our errors:  at least one person in the world will always know about them, and that person is you. Sometimes, you will need to admit a mistake to other people. Sometimes, you may only need to admit a mistake to yourself, but either way, when you have made a mistake, you need to be able to clearly acknowledge and admit it.

Step Two:  Be BRAVE enough to accept the consequences.

Nobody likes to pay the price for a mistake or failure. But we must willingly accept the inevitable consequences, be they small or large. All mistakes are inevitably accompanied by a consequence. Sometimes there are inner consequences (having to admit to yourself that you made a mistake and feeling bad about it), and sometimes there are outer consequences (paying a fine, causing an accident, upsetting another person, etc.).  Sometimes, the consequences for small mistakes will be significant, and sometimes the consequences for big mistakes will be inconsequential.  But regardless of the size of the mistake or the severity of the consequence, we must be willing to accept the consequences of our errors.

Step Three:  CORRECT your mistake.

Our self-esteem does not depend upon whether or not we make mistakes. It does depend upon whether or not we are trying our best to correct and learn from them.  Remember that an apology is often required, but that apology is actually a form of admission and not a correction. Correcting a mistake means that you do something different the next time the same situation arises. 

Step Four: DISMISS the mistake, but Remember the correction. 

In other words, get over it! Once you have admitted a mistake, accepted the consequences, and are trying hard to correct it, you are allowed to stop worrying about it and to give up regret, shame, guilt, or embarrassment. This step gets you off the hook and restores self-respect.

Follow these four steps – remember your ABC’s-- and mistakes will stop being a source of shame and become a wonderful opportunity to build, instead of diminish, self-esteem.   

To Err is Human

Making mistakes is an essential part of the human condition. Everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone! No one is perfect; there is not a human being alive on this planet who has not made some kind of mistake in his or her life. Most of us accept this fact, but do we ever think about what making mistakes truly means? Too often we view our mistakes as shameful things that should be covered up at all costs, ignored, or dismissed. We view our mistakes as things that inevitably demean us, embarrass us, and make us feel pretty bad about ourselves. 

But, in fact, the way we view and handle our mistakes is an essential element of our own sense of worthiness and self-respect. Mistakes are one of the most important ways that we have of learning to be better at being human. When was the last time that you learned something truly meaningful when it all went perfectly?

If we view our mistakes as things that make us “less,” our self-esteem is going to suffer a roller-coaster ride throughout our lives. If mistakes cause us shame, guilt, and sense of unworthiness, two things are bound to happen. 

 First, self-esteem will suffer proportionally to the number of mistakes that we make, and our sense of self-worth will be tied to whether we make or don’t make any mistakes (good luck with the “make no mistakes” part).   

Second, by being too wrapped up in feeling ashamed, angry, guilty, or upset with ourselves, we miss the learning opportunity that has been presented to us. Viewed properly, mistakes are nothing but a signal that we need to learn something and be better for it. All those negative feelings hijack the thinking parts of our brains, significantly decreasing the chance that we will be able to analyze our mistakes and figure out ways to correct them and learn from them.

 Nobody likes making mistakes; that too seems to be built into the condition of being human. But not liking to make a mistake – that uncomfortable feeling of “oh no…I really messed that up” – is what should give us the impetus to change, to remedy, or to do something different next time. A mistake is a signal that there is something to be learned.

Remember this:  a core element, or principle, of earning and maintaining your sense of self-worth depends upon viewing your mistakes as wonderful opportunities to grow stronger, better, and wiser.  We’ll talk more next time about exactly what to do in order to handle mistakes positively and constructively.