Self-Esteem and Pride

We often confuse a sense of pride with our sense of self-worth or self-esteem.  In fact, the two are related but different, and can operate completely independently of each other.  We exhort others to “stand up tall and be proud of yourself,” thinking that this advice will provide a boost to self-esteem.

Self-esteem is an enduring belief in the value of ourselves, and it is earned (not given) over time by following certain principles and practices.  It is a rational conviction based in reality that we are fundamentally capable and worthy – capable of dealing appropriately with life and the challenges and opportunities its presents to us, and worthy of our own self-respect.  On the other hand, pride is the emotion that we feel when we evaluate a specific achievement or action.  “Self-esteem is confidence in one’s capacity to achieve values.  Pride is the consequence of having achieved some particular value.  Self-esteem is ‘I can.’  Pride is ‘I have.’” (Nathaniel Branden, The Psychology of Self-Esteem). 

If we fail at something despite our very best efforts, our pride may suffer, but our sense of self-worth should remain unimpaired.  In our lives we are all bound to fail to achieve a goal, to fall short of a desired outcome, to live with an unrealized dream or aspiration.  When we do fail, we will not experience the same sense of pride that we would if we had succeeded.  But self-esteem should remain intact and unaffected.  In fact, it is our sense of self-esteem that allows us to weather the storm of failure, disappointment, battered pride, and loss.

If we do not understand this distinction between pride and real self-esteem, we will be tempted to invest our sense of self-worth in our accomplishments.  It is all too common to invest self-esteem in external things such as position, wealth, awards, wins, recognition, and other external factors over which we may or may not have control.

I made that mistake as a teenage athlete, trying for a place on the Olympic swim team.  A few tenths of a second separated those who made it and those who did not.  A world ranking was not good enough.  My goal was going to the Olympics.  It took years to sort out that, while I gave it my very best effort and still failed to achieve my goal, my lack of an Olympic medal must have no effect on my own evaluation of myself as a capable and worthy person.  Through the years, I came to know it consciously and truly accept it, but to this day, it is painful for me to watch the summer Olympics, thinking of that epic failure. 

When I grew older and pitched all of my swimming ribbons, medals, and trophies, I kept only one – the medal that determined that I was NOT going to the Olympics.  I am looking at it as I write these thoughts – a triangular, simple bronze medal encased in plexiglass, my favorite paperweight.  It happily reminds me of the lesson I was meant to learn – that pride will surely fluctuate with achievement, but my self-worth and self-respect are safe.