Self Confidence vs. Self Esteem: A Clarification
/Self-esteem is often confused with self-confidence. In fact, they are very separate psychological constructs. When I refer to self-esteem, I refer to a legitimate, realistic positive regard we have for ourselves. I believe that true esteem, or valuing, of self must be based upon a realistic assessment that that stems from trying hard to be the very best “you” that you can be.
Because self-esteem is the most fundamental psychological need that every person has, many people believe that self-esteem should be unconditional – that we have an unconditional right to respect, value, and esteem ourselves. In fact, this is not true. To truly feel good about yourself, you must be trying to meet certain conditions upon which self-esteem is based. In short, you don’t get repeatedly do unwise, harmful, irresponsible, unkind, or unethical things and continue to think well of yourself.
Self-esteem is most often confused with self-confidence. Socially adept, outgoing children and adults who display great confidence in their social activities or relationships are often believed to have a high degree of self-esteem. People who enjoy taking risks and being adventurous often appear to have good self-esteem because they are so confident. But in both examples, this is not necessarily true. Shy, introverted people can have a high degree of real self-worth, even though they do not display self-confidence in social situations. Adventuresome, energetic high-achievers usually have great self-confidence, but may not truly value or respect themselves.
Self-confidence does and should vary depending on the situation in which you find yourself. I think about my horseback riding – jumping fences in particular. I am very confident jumping fences that are 2 feet tall. I have done that many times, my horse is familiar with that height, my horse can easily jump at the 2-foot level. If, however, I was asked for the very first time to jump a three-foot fence, my self-confidence level would naturally and justifiably be lowered. But my sense of self-respect should not be diminished in any way whatsoever. I may not feel confident, I may not succeed, I may in fact fall off, my horse might refuse the fence, and my self-confidence may be lower than it was before I tried it – but my self-esteem remains intact. I need to build self-confidence in this activity, but my self-esteem is not at stake.
When we think of the challenges in our lives, our self-confidence may be a bit of a roller-coaster ride. Sometimes it may be high, sometimes it may be low. But true self-esteem – your respect and regard for yourself -- should not change with circumstances, successes, or failures, as long as you are meeting the core conditions for genuine self-respect.